I realized that I haven't updated you in a while and the short story is, Albert needs more treatment for more cancer. In July we will find out all the particulars, like what treatment, when it starts and how long it lasts, how much the tumors have grown,,,and on, and on.
The truth is, not talking about it has simply been easier for coping.
Most people don't think of their morbidity on a daily basis, it's usually when someone very near to them dies. Very recently, we have had several deaths in our close family circle and it makes us feel like death is constantly staring us in the face. It makes us wonder if Albert is next and we wonder how much time he has left. It's scary. And it's tiring to constantly stare back at death and keep shouting: "GO AWAY!"
We have both started back to counseling to help us cope with the anger, anxiety, and despair.
It helps. And sometimes it doesn't help.
Crying helps too. Being with friends helps. Leaning on each other helps. Hoping for good outcomes helps. Keeping active helps. And sometimes, even those things don't help.
What doesn't help? Telling us that all we have to do is pray and it will all go away. No, that doesn't help!
Prayers for strength and endurance are much more helpful. And sometimes they are not.
Coping with chronic conditions brings a plethora of emotions, almost like the Texas weather. They say if you wait 5 minutes it'll change. The same goes for our feelings and emotions. Hope and desperation are constant companions.
When you see us, we are probably smiling. Mostly, we feel like smiling, occasionally, we are hiding behind a smile, waiting for the smile to melt the feelings underneath. It's never a fake smile. We don't believe in those. We want to live each day to the fullest and never give up on US. And so we smile.
Smiling helps.
-becca
